Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Good, Bad, Random 11/23

The Good:

The film festival was a lot of fun. I met some great people, was able to hang out with friends and saw some pretty neat films.
My film played to a really nice audience.
I was able to help someone with car trouble get home safely.
Friday night, I was able to share a meal with my husband at Uncle Bill's Pancake House and I loved the time with him.
I saw a friend I haven't seen in a really long time and it was really a good experience.
I had lunch with someone who might be able to help me in ways I could never have imagined and it was a very interesting full circle moment.
I met several people that I really like and had some absolutely wonderful and real conversations.
I like my black boots.

The Bad:

I was not in the audience for Oprah's Favorite things!
I've been fighting depression and despair all week.
I have not cleaned my house and even the minimum is starting to really get to me and it is just another way for me to make myself feel bad.
I hate the way I look in the mirror.
I hate the way my clothes fit.
I allowed someone to demoralize me about getting a personal trainer, so I didn't do it and I have not been able to recover from it and I am still bitterly angry about it because it only hurts me.
Sometimes I think people take joy in seeing me fail. It's probably not true but I still feel it.
It's been harder to be positive lately.
I feel overwhelmed and am tired of breaking promises to myself.
I hate the cold.

The Random:

There is something to be learned about expectations. Because I am optimistic, I always hold out the hope for the best in people and I think it leads me to having that hope, that expectation, so I allow disappointment to be present in my life.
The fact of the matter is that past behavior definitely informs future behavior and I really need to lower my expectations of certain people.
There are certain people that promise me things that never follow through.
And sometimes later, it gives me pause to be very disappointed in them and take it on myself to feel that if they cared enough to be a little more honest, it would go a long way.
I'm not even sure it's entirely my fault. Actually I am pretty sure none of it is my fault.
Yoda said "there is no try, only do."
When I find myself saying "I will try to be there."
Usually I know I am not going to be right then and there. If I have to bother to say I will try. It's a way of letting someone down easier when you don't show up.
I don't always show up, but I show up a lot.
So, in that spirit, I'm going to try to expect those people to not be there when they say they will and if they show up, then I will be happy but when they don't, I won't be hurt.

2 comments:

Contra Yogini said...

The date of your last email matches the date of this post (if I am remembering correctly). If this (in part or in whole) was inspired by me, then I'd like to apologize. Wholeheartedly. I don't show up enough. I find my own behavior disappointing.

You, on the other hand, are inspired. I hope I live up to your expectations one day!

VanessaMRR said...

Not you- definitely not you- but someone we have talked about before! The email was a coincidence- the reason I thought of you that day was because I was on my blog and looking for your blog entries and missing them!!!