Thursday, December 31, 2009

Musings on a holiday

After walking out of Target Christmas week- and musing on the ridiculous amount of money my husband and I spent, he said something wonderful to alleviate the guilt.
"We used to blow this amount of money on stupid stuff when we first started dating- now it is on our house and our children."
And suddenly that perspective melted the guilt away.
I want to be out of debt pretty badly but more I want to spend money in the right way- and I realized it was the right way- even if it wasn't perfect.
We were investing it into our family and our house.
I'm pretty much in the same place I was before except now we own a house and I'm building towards a career and I am taking risks that are healthy and not harmful.  I feel pretty good about what I'm doing instead of waking up and trying not to remember the stupid crap I did- or drowning away the misery in self defeating behavior.
I think I can still believe things happen for a reason.
And part of that is about that shining, tiny face on Christmas morning.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sarah Palin ruined it

I have currently changed the title of my blog to "to be announced" because Sarah Palin has temporarily ruined the word 'rogue' for me and I don't want to be identified as someone who has anything to do with her.
Also, having recently learned the multiple definitions of the word rogue no longer feel it is appropriate for me.
I have no doubt she will be crushed in the primaries and hopefully will crawl away licking her wounds but until then, I need another name for my blog.
Creativity girl some how does not cut it.
I will ruminate on it.  But meanwhile, if anyone has any suggestions, would love to hear them. :)

Film Making 101

I remember the first time I got to direct a play on my own. I had been assistant director for more times than I cared to document and I had been ready for quite some time. It was always something I knew I could do, instinctively but I am really glad I took the time to train and have the confidence and security behind me. There I was, getting a chance- it was what I always wanted. Sometimes when dreams come true, you just have to sit back and take a moment. Let it sink in.
There I was choosing my cast. I learned a lot of lessons out of that experience. Not a lot of people showed up for auditions, I didn't have a lot of choices with actors and I had not yet built up my reputation as a director.
I was handed a difficult set of circumstances with a couple of young actors who questioned every decision I made, never properly learned their lines and essentially gave me a hard way to go.
You wouldn't think I'd be grateful for that experience- it was a pain in the ass. I would go to rehearsal thinking- this is not what I expected it to be- I'm not enjoying this, I'm stressed out, freaking out, crunched for time and wishing I had better choices. Where was the fun, the joy, the play?
But, you know it all came together, and my mother was proud of me on opening night and I was pleased with the play and the reviews were not glowing but they were good.
I have a tendency to have an all or nothing attitude. I tend to pour everything I have into a much wanted experience thinking- this is a dream- I may never get to do this again! I have become to overcome that a little bit by bit as I have been fortunate to be able to do it again and again.
This was not my first film. Gosh I wish people would understand that. This was not even the first time I produced something I wrote. That first time was in college and I wasn't nearly as nervous about it. Still, lots of people are sure I just came out of nowhere. But I have been training for this for years.
I've been around all this time, plugging away, looking for a way in. And I found it, it's mostly believing in me and knowing intimately what I am capable of. So, as I go through this process, and it was a challenge and it was difficult- and I was so stressed out, I know that in a way, it was only the beginning of so much more.
I don't know that I have felt that prolonged level of stress for a very long time. And yet, there were moments of pure joy on this shoot. This is the life that was waiting for me. I feel awakened.
In so many ways, I will over the next few posts describe how difficult this experience was for me. When will it be easy? Probably never easy but I have to say, the last play I directed was such pure joy, it felt easy and this will get like this as well. It may not every get easy, and I hope it doesn't but it will become more effortless as I become more of the me I am meant to be.
I have never gone backward- I learned new strengths. I am ever more grateful and I will find a way to do this again, and again!
More of this journey to come...