Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Good, The Bad and the Random

I have a friend who has a gratitude list and she posts every day what she is grateful for. I think it's kind of a neat idea. It's a really cool personal thing that she does and I think it is nice she puts out positivity in the world. I emailed her a long time ago, thinking I wanted to do something like that but wanted to make sure I did not offend her if I did so.
She responded that it wasn't exactly an original idea, and I couldn't really tell whether or not this would bother her or not because she wasn't saying outright that it was but she wasn't being really encouraging either. Nevertheless, after some thought, I decided that I wasn't going to do it for me, that it wasn't exactly the right fit. I didn't want to A, feel constantly like I might be pissing off a friend and B, it wasn't something that I was a hundred percent into.
I'm also not sure that I want to do something every day. I think I can probably fit in something once a week much better.
And a gratitude list would likely get on my nerves sometimes. I don't think I am exactly cut out for that much all the time. Hey, I am all for being grateful but I also like to bitch. No, I need to bitch. I need to allow myself the time to feel bad if I feel bad. And if you only hear the good stuff all the time, I feel like it creates this unreasonable false nature that things are perky and beautiful all the time. And I don't mean to be insulting, I think this is really excellent for some people and for my friend, it is great for her, but sometimes I read it and it depresses me and it makes me feel small and inadequate and think- how can her kids like her all the time, and how can her life be that good all the time, and I know she doesn't portray it that way, but sometimes people's gratitude lists just make me feel like shit. I want to be clear, this isn't the way it is, just sometimes the way it makes me feel.
Other times, they make me feel good and inspired but sometimes I have felt utterly discouraged by them- and sometimes I can't find the good and I have had such a miserable day that I don't want to try and I don't want to feel worse about feeling bad already.
However, I absolutely don't want a weekly bitch list. As perky and positive and annoying as it would be for me to tell myself to have only good thoughts all the time, the same sort of negative rant and constant complaining would wear on me and I am absolutely sure it is not a good thing to put out into the world. I don't want to put nastiness and negativity out there by itself.
Still, I seek balance and lying in bed the other night, I finally figured out what I want to do.
I want to spend the time making a list of the good, the bad and the random weird shit that happens or occurs to me. The humorous, the stuff that defies rational thought, stuff that makes you go hmmmm, maybe stuff that makes you go ewwww. I would like to find the balance of my day or week. This feels more right to me, and it feels more honest and it feels more like me.
I'm good with this idea and looking forward to the way it works out.

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