Monday, September 6, 2010

As if

As I sit here with the weight of a misunderstanding sitting heavy on my heart, an unresolved issue, a deep hurt, I learned of the passing of a friend's father and it all seems to ball together in this mess of sad.
I've been pestering my husband to go and spend time with his friend whose father has been lying on his death bed for the last few days. Go and see him, call him. He does send him a message on facebook, an act I find excruciatingly underwhelming. Hours ago, I find out that he passed on Saturday.
We will go to the funeral if it is at all possible. So far I can find no details on the arrangements. This is not a casual friend. He was best man at our wedding. I have urged my husband for the last four days to find his phone number and he won't. My anger is thinly veiled at this point. He looks at me when I make suggestions and agrees they are good ideas, then does nothing. Since they were closer, I have been deferring to him, but I'm frustrated with his lack of action.
I know he cares- I'm just tired of pushing and micromanaging.
Last night while having a casual conversation, my friend managed to misinterpret me so completely that I feel almost as if it was on purpose- that she very deliberately picked a fight. Over something I never said.
That seems like the worst part-
I agreed with a friend of hers. I said- on balance I tend to agree with him because he's a well read and intelligent man. She says "So I'm stupid and uneducated?"
How do you get there? Yeah, that's what I said. Not. I mean, I couldn't have said anything further from that. She stuck around long enough to insult me and tell me of course that is the conclusion she reached because that is what I meant. Wow. Now I can't even own what I meant.
To make matters worse, I am now unfriended and blocked and she did not answer my phone call or my email in an attempt to talk it out.
And honestly, what that means is she is not ready to admit she was wrong and overreacted. Does that sound really full of myself? I cannot even see that I actually did anything wrong here. I just really believe she chose to take it that way. To believe that about me is to fundamentally be that obtuse to who I am.
So, I am done trying to talk to her.
Clearly, she does not want to talk to me and talk about it in any rational way. Clearly she did not want to hear me say that of course I value her and her opinion and know her to be intelligent and well read. She wants to hold on to the anger and resentment and make this into a huge thing.
While telling others to work it out. Irony. It's not just for breakfast.
So, I sit here with a knot in my stomach. I hate it when my friends are mad at me and I can't even talk to her. It literally tears me to shreds and throbs and sits like a huge heavy weight. But what can I do but wait? The waiting makes me angry.
The infusion of learning of my friend's father's death puts a perspective on it.
Is this petty bullshit really important? How long do I stay mired in it?
Most of all, I am resentful that I even have to be in this stupid and resentful place.
There are more important things here.


Contra Yogini said...

Have you ever heard the phrase DTMFA? Coined by Dan Savage, it means "dump the mother fucker already."

Now, I'm not necessarily calling your friend a mother fucker, but I would say that her antics are very Glenn Beck. Very Sarah Palin. Very "I don't need to use rational thought - no sir, I think with my emotions."

I say DTMFA b/c I anticipate w/ some certainty [perhaps unfairly, since it is based on what you have written here alone] that you, a thinking person, will continue to have problems with her, a non-thinking person. Why endure such grief when you only live so long?

Om shanti.

Contra Yogini said...

PS By "phrase", I meant initialism, but I digress :)

VanessaMRR said...

If only it were that simple. This is a long term friendship and in long term friendships, there sometimes exist huge rifts. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. So, for now, like anything else, I give it considered pause and wait to see what happens- sometimes you feel compelled to wait a thing out.
If this were someone I did not know well, I might not be giving her a pass but this is someone under extreme stress and life changes.
I took a moment, sat back and thought about it and realized that I have been a good friend to her and when she wakes up, she will realize it, if she doesn't, at that point, then I will revisit the issue and perhaps end the friendship- but that is a last resort when all else has been exhausted.
I'm afraid I can't quit on friendships easily and in order to do that I would have to determine I am better off without her. I'm not there yet.

Contra Yogini said...

I understand your decision.

I hope her behavior improves soon.

VanessaMRR said...

I do hope it improves as well.