Friday, September 17, 2010

Bitter and Circumspect

Do I have time for a regret or two? Do you ever wonder about the road not traveled? I wrote a story once about a woman who had an embryo frozen in time until she could emotionally handle carrying it. It's not so science fiction now, is it? The biggest decision later was going to be what would she do when she knows now what she didn't know then.
I still like that story but now I would write it softer, with less hard hitting drama and more layers in between. Writing that, thinking that, ripped me open from the deepest place. Those are the moments that define your life and you don't get choices like that over again.
Today is the birthday of a man I kind of wish I had never met. There were moments in knowing him that I became so strong, so sure of myself and so determined but he really came in and messed up my life.
I have no one to blame but myself. I could have walked away, should have walked away, did walk away eventually. After many things were too late. The side effects of this man weren't so bad. Some of the people he brought to my life are incredible, some of the things he put me through made me realize I have such incredible strength and yet I wonder how many crossroads would have been different if he had not been there. If he had just left me alone.
I think the object most of the time is to say to yourself, well, I'm grateful about where I am today and if I changed things, I wouldn't be there. But sometimes I just want to say FUCK THAT.


Anonymous said...

Seems like you just did. Hope you feel better for it.

VanessaMRR said...

I did feel a little better once I said it.