Day 2 or 3

So John is making this day two even though it is really day three, because he ate bread on day one... but I ate almonds, so I guess we're even. And I will live with it, because he and I need to be on the same schedule.I've decided a couple things. First I am going to only weigh myself once a week. I just don't want to deal with the whole thing if I find I'm not having immediate results. So, today is Thursday. I will weigh myself next Thursday. I did get my starting weight. I'm not posting it here because really, it's none of your damn business. LOL. I know some people do that to keep themselves accountable but I share so much of my life that some things are just private. Maybe at some point, I will feel like sharing it, but right now, my husband doesn't know and my best friend doesn't know, so I don't think facebook gets to know.

Some of you might call this shame. And you would be right. I have shame about my weight, I probably always have. My drivers license says I weigh 115 pounds. I was lying about it when I said that. I weighed about 102 but I wanted to weigh about 115 so I thought if I said that, I would be able to make it happen. At the time, it was a goal. LOL, I had no idea how to make myself gain weight- nothing worked at the time, the whole weight thing was a mystery. All through school people taunted me for being too thin. In middle school, they hurled the word 'anorexic' and 'skinny bitch' at me on a regular basis. I never did anything to be thin. I never starved myself, I had no eating disorders, I just was what I was. I had serious shame about it. I remember wishing my thighs would touch so that the cats could have something solid to sit on when they got on my lap. That is just about the epitome of irony, seriously. But I just wanted to feel NORMAL. Because if I was normal, they wouldn't notice I was so different.

In high school, the taunts turned to jealous taunts. They were convinced I must be doing something. So, as you can see, weight shame was always with me.

I think my mother's endless quest to get back to what she was worked on me, too. My mother was a tiny, thin woman who filled out in her thirties to a more normal weight but she was constantly chasing the too thin. In fact, I look back on the pictures of my mom in her forties and she looked amazing- and thin.

I had my share of friends who were overweight. We connected in part because they were taunted on the other end. It really was all about being different, I think. I was always saddened by their struggle. They thought about every single thing they put in their mouths- all I could do then was listen, now I really get it.

Back then, I just did what I wanted, if I was hungry, I ate, and I ate whatever I wanted to eat- I really kind of destroyed my body with fast food. I'm not even talking about the way I looked, because on the surface I looked pretty healthy. Physically I was fine into my thirties- but I am sure that years of smoking and years of fueling my body with terrible food contributed largely to my depression and lack of energy. I even had good checkups at the doctor but I suspect this issue now was caused by my lack of caring about myself, my body.

I really think this kind of dieting is a mental journey as much as a physical one.

I don't know when I started using food as a comfort. I remember my friends with weight problems suggesting to me that I have chocolate ice cream when I had a rough day and I remember thinking that it would make me throw up if I even tried that.

I only ate chocolate then when I was happy-

I still don't really overeat but I have gotten myself to a learned behavior of eating something sweet after dinner. When I quit smoking, I was pregnant and I was quelling the craving with a sweet treat after dinner. Somehow this has turned into I can't smoke, so I am going to eat more dessert than I should-

And to be honest, the best appetite suppressor was Dr. Pepper- no idea why- but back in the day, I could just drink it all day and not be hungry. I gave that up about eight years ago, so when I quit smoking, I had no vices left and I am such a rebel, that did not sit well with me.

I just created another vice because I gave up all of the ones I had- aren't I clever?

I mean, I don't even miss cigarettes and I really value what eating healthy has brought to my life but it means that I want to have dessert, you know cause I ate healthy all day- that habit is going to be difficult to break.

The last two nights I have been looking for snacks and there is nothing on the list of foods I can eat that I want to eat. John keeps complaining about being hungry. I'm not really hungry, I'm just bored and I want chocolate or cheese or some almonds and peanuts. And I can't have any of those. I could have some chicken or some salad or veggies. But I don't want those cause I ate them for dinner.

So I lost three pounds just not giving in to boredom and making sure there was no chocolate in the house.

I don't know why John is so hungry all the time. This diet is actually pretty filling for the most part. I think we are still in mourning for our sweets. I had to marry someone with a huge sweet tooth!!! Anyway, this first phase is the most restrictive so once we are through this, we will get back other things in the next phase.

I have not figured out the regular exercise thing yet- that is next on my list-