I think I used to live on adrenalin and survival instincts. Lately, things have been going so well, with the exception of an idiot ex boyfriend who wants to harsh on my life buzz- that I am exceptionally nervous.
I don't think I've ever been one of those people who expected things to go badly but when they did, I wasn't hardly surprised either. I have amazing survival instincts. I will go into the mode and stay there, cocooning myself and my family from the blows sure to follow.
As a survivor of an abusive household, I'm sure this is par for the course. So, this unexpected wave after wave of good fortune and hard work paying off is really quite something. Little disappointments come into play but for the most part, I am riding a nice wave of good news.
I don't know why it makes me nervous. It shouldn't. I should stop and enjoy it, right? Part of me is worried about the next thing that happens- how will I survive if this doesn't work? Part of me is going into survival mode and making allowances for the necessary sacrifices.
My foolish ex boyfriend wrote an unnecessarily nasty letter to the state full of lies and viciousness- targeting me personally and pretty much calling me a whore- wholly inappropriate and vindictive.
I have shored up all of my strength in knowing that the law is on my side, that I have done nothing wrong and that his nastiness will reveal the person he is. I admit, there is a huge part of me that wants to strike back and let him know his treatment of me is unacceptable but I think I will just let him hang himself. I've raised an amazing human being, my son. A child he hasn't seen for the last nine years. He wants the child support to end but my son has chosen to go to college and as a full time student who lives with me, I am entitled child support through these years.
He claims he didn't receive a copy of the grades and wants the last year of child support to be re-paid to him. This is laughable since not only did I send the grades but the state has a copy of them.
I really wish I could feel sorry for him. I might if I didn't loathe him so much. He missed out on his son and only thinks of him as a monetary obligation. It really is a shame.
But again, I do feel like the person with the good fortune here. I accepted less than adequate child support because I wanted his abusive and corrosive behavior out of my life. He chose to abandon his son and I had the privilege and joy of raising an extraordinary individual. He is loyal and honest and has such a good heart. And he never lacked for a father- his stepfather more than filled the bill since he was four years old.
This week I found out I am eligible for an IMDB page because of my festival submissions, I got a phone call from a woman from The Oprah Winfrey Show about an email I sent a while ago, and I'm planning a trip to LA very soon. My ex is not allowed to bring me down. My friend recommended an excellent lawyer and I'm a very lucky girl- and I didn't even need a lottery ticket.
I feel like all that adversity, those times when I was hanging on by my fingernails- there is a purpose in finding that within myself. There is a purpose in surviving those things- the really gritty and difficult stuff. I feel like the training ground for this stuff made me realize I'm not a quitter. I have a friend who has just entered a deep and dark time where she is going to be tested. In a way, she is lucky and she has no idea of it. The other side of this crisis she is going through is going to be self discovery on a level so deep that it will stun her.
I don't want to tell her this because she needs to find it herself, I just know as a survivor, she will get there. She's going to be this amazing, unstoppable force of nature- after this terrible adversity. She will find gratitude and love and I know ahead, she will also experience some real suffering but I am sure the other side of it is coming for her.
I find you can't say this to people in crisis, so I will shut up and be supportive.
When I was pregnant with my last child, I didn't want to hear such things because I was wholly mired in my own depression, and the hormones were not letting me out.
I know all my well meaning friends were right about all of it. But there is a point when you just want to spit at optimism, it takes too much effort to do anything but just keep breathing- sometimes that wallowing is necessary. Sometimes curling up in a ball and letting it out is what you need to do.
But in spite of all of this bit of bad news with my ridiculous ex, I cannot keep the smile off my face. I am inexplicably happy. I think because I am finally following my bliss! Yesterday, I took the last bow on stage- does it get much better than that?