Last night I found an old letter from a former friend. We had a huge argument six years into our friendship and I had written her a letter after, outlining my pain and grievances towards her. The letter from her was a response.
I don't remember all the details of the incident but I will reconstruct. I'll call her "Mala"
<
What happened the best I can piece together:
Mala showed up unannounced at my house after leaving me a message on my answering machine (a message I didn't get because I was out all day). I had other plans and told her so. She then proceeded to get really angry with me and tell me it was my fault for not calling her back and telling her not to come. She berated me for "doing this to her". Even though she did it to herself. She made plans with my answering machine. Not with me. This escalated into an argument that I was so upset about that I wrote her a long letter telling her how I felt.
It wasn't the first time she had done this, but it wasn't frequent behavior. Usually I tolerated it, though it was bad form. I let her do it because she was pushy, bossy and presumptive and I allowed her to treat me like this to avoid fighting. I did like her company most times but from the get go, she was a difficult relationship to maintain.
A little history: she and I became friends at a difficult and transitional time in our lives and she love bombed me with presents and grand gestures, kindnesses and because of this and my history of growing up in an abused home (something we had in common) I was grateful she cared about me. It is a pattern in my life I have struggled to overcome, allowing abusive people in and my learned survival skill was to tolerate their cruelty.
Abused kids often become either the repeated target or the bully, though that is just a rudimentary model, life is more complex than that. Mala became the bully in our relationship. She emulated her abuser and I reacted the same way I did when I was abused growing up.
I recognized it but also I didn't. I had a blind spot when it came to my friendships with women. As crazy as it sounds, I didn't think of it as abusive because she wasn't hitting me. I brushed off the verbal and emotional abuse and told myself we were just as close as family and fights were normal. To be clear, the way she treated me was not normal or acceptable. She would push and verbally abuse and cut me down and I would take it and be silently upset. But then I would reach my limit with her and tell her off. And be honest about how her cruelty made me feel. And I would pour out my feelings in an angry but truthful letter.
Then, she would gaslight me.
"You probably got the message but didn't want to say you had other plans so pretended you didn't get the message." Makes you wonder what reality she lived in that she thinks I would set her up, but why would she proceed, knowing I haven't said "Sure, come over."
Instead, she manufactures that I won't mind because she's done it before. Then becomes furious with me because I'm not amenable to her presumptions.
It took a long time for me to end the friendship and this letter, this gaslighting piece of nasty abuse makes me wish I had kicked her to the curb years before I did.
As I recall, I stopped speaking to her for about six months after this bullshit, but then she would call me and cry and tell me how much she loved me and promise to try to change, which she never did.
She even told me in the letter that she wasn't going to change. I tell her I am tired of her belittling me and she tells me this is my perception of myself. Ugh.
What stuck out to me is her utter denial of responsibility, her refusal to recognize my hurt and pain, and the way she turned it all around to make it my fault. Classic gaslighting. I see it all so clearly now. I hate that I wasted years allowing her to hurt me. But I rejoice for all the years without her.
Recently I saw her at a reunion of sorts, a mutual friend had returned to town. I didn't know she'd be there, but it was fine that she was. I decided to speak to her, you know, we're grown ups. And we had a nice talk. I told her I was sorry to hear she lost a beloved parent and she said the same to me. I don't feel a heap of bitterness towards her but the letter brought up a lot of feelings.
Truth is, we ended our friendship as maturely as we could. We ended it mutually. I told her I thought it was best we not speak any more and she agreed. We had wrung one another out and it was over.
In the end, I wished her well and she said the same.
The last time I spoke to Mala, her narcissism was on full display.
She said "We just grew apart" and I left that statement alone.
It wasn't true. I left an abusive relationship and part of me wanted to remind her of that. But I let it go. I kept the peace. I didn't hug her when she walked away, which is what we always used to do. It felt weird but right. This was not me taking her back. This was another piece of closure. And that was great, til I found the letter. She's not even in my life and can piss me off from the past. But you know, that just means I cared, and it's okay to have loved a friend deeply. It's also more than okay that she is gone from my life.
I lament that I didn't have the knowlege, therapy and vocabulary to tell her what I should have much sooner and I struggle to make peace with that.
I realized recently that I tolerated her bullshit because that is how I had learned how to survive abuse.
So, I'm going to try and take a deep breath and let it go. I know who she is, she showed me. I'm not sure why I'm still so mad. Sometimes there is no peace in knowing I was right when I ended the frienship, it's just another sad place in my heart.
